Observer – How did You become You?

Changing beliefs; do you believe you can?

Belief change can be triggered by a set of techniques, from the world of Neuro Linguistic Programimg (NLP), which can then alter how we are, in certain situations. A presupposition of course is, that you really do want to change.
The reasons you’d want to know about this are:-
• Our internal maps of ‘Reality’ are determined by the beliefs we hold.
• Some of those maps that we have learned, may not be useful to us now, as they are currently held.
• The maps are laid down as patterns in our subconscious mind.
• We can ‘change’ and build new maps using different beliefs that will alter our perception of situations , problems etc.

What is this about?
A useful way to help us move forward in a situation when we determine a belief is holding us back.

How can we use this?
Let’s take an example of, responding in the moment. Using the observer notice what beliefs come up when there is an opportunity to respond in the moment and we do not respond, for example :-
Belief :- I need to be sure of my facts, before I can ask any questions.
A question to perhaps now ask yourself is, what do I need to believe in order make a response in the moment?
I need to believe that it is not important to always have the all the details and facts, for example.

Figure 2 Change beliefs change your life

Maybe a more useful belief to hold is :- It is OK to respond in the moment, without knowing all the facts and details. Write this new belief down and read it back to yourself over several days. You may need to modify it slightly to have it fit into your ‘changing’ mindset e.g. it becomes, “I am learning it is ok to respond in the moment, without knowing all the facts and details.”
In the next situation that arises, let’s say, you do respond and find to your astonishment, nobody dies! And you got more of what you needed 🙂

More details of these techniques can be found in NLP books and teachings, just be aware that you can change your beliefs, you are not ‘stuck’ with them forever.

Figure 3 Belief chain break

Start to notice situations, when beliefs are not serving you.

Explore that situation, what triggers the belief?

How might you change it?

What would be a more useful belief to hold?

Write that more useful belief down, play with the words till they sound good, for example add the words, “I am Learning to…”

Recognise the need to change and…

Figure 1 understanding change

This is simple, just not easy; how do I begin to recognise the need for change? First thing is to start paying conscious attention to what is going on in my life. Don’t just let life happen to me. Begin to notice what is working well for me in life and what is not? What patterns of thinking and behaviour am I following? (Psychologists say for some of us, many of our thoughts are repetitive) How are they serving me? Or not?

Figure 2 Impact

What is the Impact I have on others? What is the impact they are having on me? It may help if you can keep a daily note or journal, it need not be elaborate, just enough for you to review after a month and be able to link back to that thinking or behaviour pattern.
Knowing you cannot change others, only yourself, then work with the journal and pick out the thing you want to really make a difference in.
For Example:-

– In meetings, rather than backing down and not thinking of an adequate response till ten minutes later when the ‘moment’ has gone. Create a way to give myself time to think of a response, that I can give more in the moment and then go ahead and give it.

– Change my constant pattern of thinking that a lot of other people are just, dare I say it, stupid!

Lets use these two examples (Respond in the Moment) RIM and (People are stupid) PAS
I read somewhere that there are three reasons to change:-

1 Too painful to stay as we are
2 Boredom
3 Realising we can

For my two examples I’ll cite reason 1 for the RIM change, I’m fed up being downtrodden in meetings and reason 2 for the PAS change, in other words I’m bored thinking of people like that and I wonder what it would be like if I changed and thought of them differently.

Using the observer, we can now begin to recognise each time the RIM or PAS pattern arises.
This is important because in order to effect the change, we need to pause and ‘catch’ the pattern before it has run through to its conclusion in order to do something different.

Think about what you may want to address and change, perhaps as suggested, start a simple journal to highlight what that might be.

Think about how you will be different when the ‘cue’ in reality arises.

What you will do differently?

Remember it is only you who changes you 🙂

Is your Mind your Master? or Are You the Master of your Mind?

Why am I asking the question about who is the Master; You or your Mind?

Because it is important. Our brain is absolutely amazing at learning, think of all the patterns laid down in a lifetime, all those things that can just be done automatically now, without consciously paying attention. Dressing, eating, washing, walking, running, riding a bike, balancing, swimming, changing gear in a car, speaking, reading, understanding language, knitting, sewing, playing an instrument, writing, etc. This is incredibly efficient and it is why the brain learns patterns, because to learn means you need to pay conscious attention and that takes energy, glucose. The brain uses about 20% of the body’s energy supply, so the more it can do without constantly paying attention the better 🙂

Beliefs and the Child Brain

So what? Well, as per the slide above, there are a lot of things the brain learns as a child, shoulds, musts, have tos, ought tos, for example that may, or may not, be helpful in later adult life. We learn beliefs about ourselves, for example “I’m not good enough! Be Perfect, Please everybody.” Of course if you hold a belief (A lens through which you perceive reality) you will always have evidence to back it up, because I am right in this belief and ‘look, see the evidence’ about me being not good enough! Hence low self esteem is perpetuated until!

Until what? Until you wake up and begin to think about this belief, to observe it. See it for what it really is:-

Something you learned
Taught to you by others
Useful at the time of learning, because it kept you safe

By doing this you begin the journey to becoming the master of your mind

“The unexamined life is not worth living” (Plato – Socrates)

At this point, just begin to notice the beliefs. I will cover how to begin a process of change in a later post called “Feel the Fear and do it anyway”

What beliefs (lenses) have you formed about yourself? (Write them down) Look at them and really think about:-
When you learned them?
Where you learned them? From whom? (Note this may not be easy to do. It is worth it)
Are they useful now?

Continue reading “Is your Mind your Master? or Are You the Master of your Mind?”

Learn to Respond not React

Change is a given!
How do we learn to Respond to changes vs React to them?
People say things!
People write stuff!
How do we learn to Respond to what they say and write, vs React?
Treat Change differently – currently when it unsettles our certainty, we may sense / feel stress – then React
Treat what people say and write differently – currently when it unsettles us, we may sense / feel stress – then React
As this BLOG entry suggests we must learn to PAUSE, keep our Power and then RESPOND

‘Do you have the patience to wait
till your mud settles and the water is clear?
~Lao Tzu

“Much of our lives is spent in reaction to others and to events around us. The problem is that these reactions might not always be the best course of action, and as a result, they can make others unhappy, make things worse for us, make the situation worse.
Why would we want to make things worse?
The truth is, we often React without thinking. It feels like a gut reaction, often based on fear and insecurities, and it’s not always the most rational or appropriate way to act. It is a perfectly natural process of the brain, designed to keep us ‘safe’ and we can learn how to transcend it’s effect.
Responding, on the other hand, is taking the situation in, and deciding the best course of action based on values such as reason, compassion, cooperation, etc.
Let’s take a quick example:
1. React: Your child breaks something. You immediately react by getting angry, perhaps yelling, upsetting the child and yourself, worsening the relationship, not making anything better.
2. Respond: Your child breaks something. You notice your anger reaction, but pause, take a breath, and consider the situation. First response is to see if your child is OK — is she hurt, scared? Second, realise that the object that is broken, in the larger view, is not that important. Let the reaction go. One way to do this is; place your hands by your sides, pointing down, your feet firmly planted, breathe, then imagine the emotion triggered by what has just happened, flowing out through your fingertips and your feet, like electricity, out and into the ground / floor.
3. Now, help her clean up, make a game of it, show her that mistakes happen and that it’s not something to dwell on.
4. Calmly talk about how to avoid mistakes like that in the future, and give her a hug.
This choice presents itself to us all the time, whether it’s our mother nagging us, our co-worker being rude, our husband not being kind enough, and so on. There will always be external events that bother us, but if we learn to respond and not just react, we can make things better and not worse.

How to Learn to Respond
The main thing to learn is mindfulness… and the pause.
Mindfulness means watching ourselves when something happens that might normally upset us or trigger some kind of emotional reaction. Pay close attention to how our minds react then pause. We don’t have to act immediately, just because we have an internal reaction. We can pause, (not act) and breathe. We can watch this urge to act irrationally arise, then let it ebb away. Sometimes that takes a few seconds, other times it means we should remove ourselves politely from the situation and let ourselves cool down before we respond.

Pause.
Watch the reaction recede. Now consider what the most intelligent, compassionate response might be. What can we do that will help our relationship, teach, build a better team or partnership, make the situation better, calm everyone down, including ourselves?
At first, you might mess up. But in time, you’ll learn to watch this reaction, and you’ll get better at the pause. Don’t fret if you mess up — just resolve to be more mindful when it happens next time. Take note of what happened to trigger your reaction, and pay attention when something like that happens again.
Be mindful, pause, then consider a thoughtful, compassionate response.” ∞Leo Babuta

(see the model described below)

I, learned about this model from a Native American Indian Chief, I met in Switzerland, called White Eagle.
She talked about the fact that, in order to be responsible in your response, you must be response-able.
To be in that state, you must be mindful and pause.

Having paused, now use this model to build and deliver your response. This can be done, in the moment, or you may take quite a while to complete the process, depending on its complexity / severity, viz:-

1. Go to the North. There you really think about the problem, (not any solutions), the problem only. What is the problem? It is what it is. E.g.”He has just rolled his eyes and shouted at me!”
2. Now go to the East, here you are going to ‘fill your quiver with arrows’. What are the options I have in how to respond to this? Think of at least three options, ‘arrows’ to put in your quiver.
3. Take your ‘quiver and bow’ to the West now and choose one of the options / arrows. If the problem is complex, you may also here, articulate and perhaps record your reasoning for choosing this particular ‘arrow.’
4. Finally go to the South with your ‘bow and chosen arrow’ and fire it. Deliver the response. Pay attention to how that is done, language, tonality if spoken, body language etc. Learn from each time you do this, what works?

Another useful model, The Four A’s

Acknowledge: When you notice a feeling, acknowledge its presence. First simply name it. If you are not alone, it can also be good to verbalize what you are feeling so the other person knows what is going on with you. “I am feeling irritated right now,” is an example of acknowledging a feeling.

Allow both your feeling(s) and thoughts. If violent images or words come to your mind, you can observe them. Take a deep breath and realize that this is not what you really want to act out. Breathe out and release.… If scary images or thoughts come to your mind, do the same. Take a deep breath and ask yourself if your thoughts are realistic…. Do a reality check. Breathe out and release. Tell yourself you can deal with it.

Ask yourself what is the reason for your feeling. Where does it come from? What need or value do you hold that was not met? For example, did you need care, appreciation, or understanding? What would you like to hear in this situation? Investigate with curiosity and care. Try to have a compassionate dialogue with yourself.

Accept that you are not perfect and forgive yourself. Offer reassurance with a sentence such as “I am patient,” or, “I’m able to handle this.” If it helps, you can also bring to mind a loving being, family member, friend, or pet. Alternatively, focus on your body to release any tension through your breath or by relaxing your muscles and letting your thoughts go

There are times reacting is useful of course #smartlysteppingoutofthewayofanoncomingbus 🙂

How is reacting useful to you?
- In what circumstances?
  - Give some examples
How is responding useful to you?
- In what circumstances?
  - Give some examples

Who Changes You?

Who changes You? Well, You do, nobody else, others or circumstances may influence, but You do the changing, consciously or sometimes, unconsciously.

How does that happen? Well for the conscious led change it is through insight, (an AHA moment). This entry is about that.

The aha moment

No one solves complex problems at will. The answers always suddenly arrive, either as you fall asleep; in the middle of the night; as you wake up; as you exercise, shower, or drive; or while you do something pleasant and repetitive such as knitting, gardening, or cooking.
For insights to be useful, they need to be generated from within, not given to individuals as conclusions. This is true for several reasons. First, people will experience the adrenaline-like rush of insight, only if they go through the process of making connections themselves. The moment of insight is well known to be a positive and energising experience’ (Schwartz)
1. Awareness
2. Reflection
3. Insight
4. Action

Let us look in more detail into this model, discussed in

(David Rock Your Brain at Work)

The ARIA Model
In his book, David Rock walks you through the ARIA model (Awareness, Reflection, Insight, Action). This is exactly how it feels when you come up with a creative idea. Here are the brief phases (read the book for more details)
Awareness
This is the phase where you state the problem and activate the prefrontal cortex of your brain. Simplify the problem with a short statement:- I want to explain variables, conditions and triggers in a simple way.
And here comes the hard part. Do NOT try to solve this problem. That would not result in a new, creative approach. Let it “sink”.
Reflection
This phase is about reflecting on your thoughts. Again, it’s not about resolving the issue or getting down to the details. Think high level. Way above the details to activate an unfocused state of mind with the power of regions in the right hemisphere. Ideas can emerge freely here. Do not discard anything. There is a time for constructive criticism, but not now.
Insight
This phase is fascinating. A burst of gamma band waves hit the brain with the fastest brain waves you can get. Neurons are firing in union back and forth. It’s a brief moment with an energetic punch. This is the “AHA” moment. You can see from the diagram below, there is a scale on this moment from 1 – 5 and you will recognise not all Aha’s are life changing. It may just be an Ah, as in, “Ah, I can just do this” or “Wow I never thought of that, how amazing is this.” A full-blown epiphany that causes a complete paradigm shift in thinking

Action
This is your chance to harness the energy and creative burst from the Insight phase. It is powerful but short-lived. You must grab the moment and make it happen!

How to

As Action says above, grab the moment, then you look inside your brain for a ‘How to’, how do I do this new thing? Since the thinking is new, You have no previous experience of how to e.g. approach this situation differently. That means You will be learning the ‘new way’ and that will feel uncomfortable, see my previous entry Learning Re-Frame.

So:- Feel the fear and do it anyway
(Definition of FEAR:- False Evidence Appearing Real)

– How many insights do think you might have had in the last six months?
– How many led to change?
– How might you become more open to insight?