awareness – How did You become You?

What is the Journey we are all on?

Our Journey

We are born as Pure Awareness within.
We are not aware the journey, is to return to that.
We are driven to survive and have instincts to help us.
We are curious.
We are learning.

We are learning how to move, to stand, to walk, to eat, to drink, to run, to talk, to think.
We are operating in a hypnotic state, our brain’s waves are theta.
We are being taught, ‘programmed’ with knowledge, beliefs and skills.
We are experiencing emotions.
We are learning from our families’ and parents’ patterns and scripts.

We are becoming who they, consciously or not, are programming us to be.
We are driven by the need to survive.
We are fearful of abandonment the most.
We are learning patterns and scripts that become our life’s ‘drivers.’
We are learning and becoming more certain.

We are learning how to socialise with others.
We are learning what our culture is subliminally teaching.
We are evolving, our brain waves changing.
We are becoming more conscious.
We are becoming more and more certain of our ways of thinking.

We are living now as the illusory persona, the ego; we were taught to be.
We are not aware yet, of who we really are.
We are running our lives 95% in automatic as who we’ve learned to be.
We are now becoming vaguely aware this is not who we really are.
We are beginning to Wake Up, and know we need to change.

We are now searching for that change
We are searching Out There, where we were ‘programmed’ to search.
We are thinking the pathway to our growth, lies with others and Out There.
We are unaware that pathway lies within us.
We are unaware the pathway of our growth is to that Pure Awareness we were born with, within us. The Oneness.
We are unaware until we fully Wake Up.

Learn to Respond not React

Change is a given!
How do we learn to Respond to changes vs React to them?
People say things!
People write stuff!
How do we learn to Respond to what they say and write, vs React?
Treat Change differently – currently when it unsettles our certainty, we may sense / feel stress – then React
Treat what people say and write differently – currently when it unsettles us, we may sense / feel stress – then React
As this BLOG entry suggests we must learn to PAUSE, keep our Power and then RESPOND

‘Do you have the patience to wait
till your mud settles and the water is clear?
~Lao Tzu

“Much of our lives is spent in reaction to others and to events around us. The problem is that these reactions might not always be the best course of action, and as a result, they can make others unhappy, make things worse for us, make the situation worse.
Why would we want to make things worse?
The truth is, we often React without thinking. It feels like a gut reaction, often based on fear and insecurities, and it’s not always the most rational or appropriate way to act. It is a perfectly natural process of the brain, designed to keep us ‘safe’ and we can learn how to transcend it’s effect.
Responding, on the other hand, is taking the situation in, and deciding the best course of action based on values such as reason, compassion, cooperation, etc.
Let’s take a quick example:
1. React: Your child breaks something. You immediately react by getting angry, perhaps yelling, upsetting the child and yourself, worsening the relationship, not making anything better.
2. Respond: Your child breaks something. You notice your anger reaction, but pause, take a breath, and consider the situation. First response is to see if your child is OK — is she hurt, scared? Second, realise that the object that is broken, in the larger view, is not that important. Let the reaction go. One way to do this is; place your hands by your sides, pointing down, your feet firmly planted, breathe, then imagine the emotion triggered by what has just happened, flowing out through your fingertips and your feet, like electricity, out and into the ground / floor.
3. Now, help her clean up, make a game of it, show her that mistakes happen and that it’s not something to dwell on.
4. Calmly talk about how to avoid mistakes like that in the future, and give her a hug.
This choice presents itself to us all the time, whether it’s our mother nagging us, our co-worker being rude, our husband not being kind enough, and so on. There will always be external events that bother us, but if we learn to respond and not just react, we can make things better and not worse.

How to Learn to Respond
The main thing to learn is mindfulness… and the pause.
Mindfulness means watching ourselves when something happens that might normally upset us or trigger some kind of emotional reaction. Pay close attention to how our minds react then pause. We don’t have to act immediately, just because we have an internal reaction. We can pause, (not act) and breathe. We can watch this urge to act irrationally arise, then let it ebb away. Sometimes that takes a few seconds, other times it means we should remove ourselves politely from the situation and let ourselves cool down before we respond.

Pause.
Watch the reaction recede. Now consider what the most intelligent, compassionate response might be. What can we do that will help our relationship, teach, build a better team or partnership, make the situation better, calm everyone down, including ourselves?
At first, you might mess up. But in time, you’ll learn to watch this reaction, and you’ll get better at the pause. Don’t fret if you mess up — just resolve to be more mindful when it happens next time. Take note of what happened to trigger your reaction, and pay attention when something like that happens again.
Be mindful, pause, then consider a thoughtful, compassionate response.” ∞Leo Babuta

(see the model described below)

I, learned about this model from a Native American Indian Chief, I met in Switzerland, called White Eagle.
She talked about the fact that, in order to be responsible in your response, you must be response-able.
To be in that state, you must be mindful and pause.

Having paused, now use this model to build and deliver your response. This can be done, in the moment, or you may take quite a while to complete the process, depending on its complexity / severity, viz:-

1. Go to the North. There you really think about the problem, (not any solutions), the problem only. What is the problem? It is what it is. E.g.”He has just rolled his eyes and shouted at me!”
2. Now go to the East, here you are going to ‘fill your quiver with arrows’. What are the options I have in how to respond to this? Think of at least three options, ‘arrows’ to put in your quiver.
3. Take your ‘quiver and bow’ to the West now and choose one of the options / arrows. If the problem is complex, you may also here, articulate and perhaps record your reasoning for choosing this particular ‘arrow.’
4. Finally go to the South with your ‘bow and chosen arrow’ and fire it. Deliver the response. Pay attention to how that is done, language, tonality if spoken, body language etc. Learn from each time you do this, what works?

Another useful model, The Four A’s

Acknowledge: When you notice a feeling, acknowledge its presence. First simply name it. If you are not alone, it can also be good to verbalize what you are feeling so the other person knows what is going on with you. “I am feeling irritated right now,” is an example of acknowledging a feeling.

Allow both your feeling(s) and thoughts. If violent images or words come to your mind, you can observe them. Take a deep breath and realize that this is not what you really want to act out. Breathe out and release.… If scary images or thoughts come to your mind, do the same. Take a deep breath and ask yourself if your thoughts are realistic…. Do a reality check. Breathe out and release. Tell yourself you can deal with it.

Ask yourself what is the reason for your feeling. Where does it come from? What need or value do you hold that was not met? For example, did you need care, appreciation, or understanding? What would you like to hear in this situation? Investigate with curiosity and care. Try to have a compassionate dialogue with yourself.

Accept that you are not perfect and forgive yourself. Offer reassurance with a sentence such as “I am patient,” or, “I’m able to handle this.” If it helps, you can also bring to mind a loving being, family member, friend, or pet. Alternatively, focus on your body to release any tension through your breath or by relaxing your muscles and letting your thoughts go

There are times reacting is useful of course #smartlysteppingoutofthewayofanoncomingbus 🙂

How is reacting useful to you?
- In what circumstances?
  - Give some examples
How is responding useful to you?
- In what circumstances?
  - Give some examples

Who Changes You?

Who changes You? Well, You do, nobody else, others or circumstances may influence, but You do the changing, consciously or sometimes, unconsciously.

How does that happen? Well for the conscious led change it is through insight, (an AHA moment). This entry is about that.

The aha moment

No one solves complex problems at will. The answers always suddenly arrive, either as you fall asleep; in the middle of the night; as you wake up; as you exercise, shower, or drive; or while you do something pleasant and repetitive such as knitting, gardening, or cooking.
For insights to be useful, they need to be generated from within, not given to individuals as conclusions. This is true for several reasons. First, people will experience the adrenaline-like rush of insight, only if they go through the process of making connections themselves. The moment of insight is well known to be a positive and energising experience’ (Schwartz)
1. Awareness
2. Reflection
3. Insight
4. Action

Let us look in more detail into this model, discussed in

(David Rock Your Brain at Work)

The ARIA Model
In his book, David Rock walks you through the ARIA model (Awareness, Reflection, Insight, Action). This is exactly how it feels when you come up with a creative idea. Here are the brief phases (read the book for more details)
Awareness
This is the phase where you state the problem and activate the prefrontal cortex of your brain. Simplify the problem with a short statement:- I want to explain variables, conditions and triggers in a simple way.
And here comes the hard part. Do NOT try to solve this problem. That would not result in a new, creative approach. Let it “sink”.
Reflection
This phase is about reflecting on your thoughts. Again, it’s not about resolving the issue or getting down to the details. Think high level. Way above the details to activate an unfocused state of mind with the power of regions in the right hemisphere. Ideas can emerge freely here. Do not discard anything. There is a time for constructive criticism, but not now.
Insight
This phase is fascinating. A burst of gamma band waves hit the brain with the fastest brain waves you can get. Neurons are firing in union back and forth. It’s a brief moment with an energetic punch. This is the “AHA” moment. You can see from the diagram below, there is a scale on this moment from 1 – 5 and you will recognise not all Aha’s are life changing. It may just be an Ah, as in, “Ah, I can just do this” or “Wow I never thought of that, how amazing is this.” A full-blown epiphany that causes a complete paradigm shift in thinking

Action
This is your chance to harness the energy and creative burst from the Insight phase. It is powerful but short-lived. You must grab the moment and make it happen!

How to

As Action says above, grab the moment, then you look inside your brain for a ‘How to’, how do I do this new thing? Since the thinking is new, You have no previous experience of how to e.g. approach this situation differently. That means You will be learning the ‘new way’ and that will feel uncomfortable, see my previous entry Learning Re-Frame.

So:- Feel the fear and do it anyway
(Definition of FEAR:- False Evidence Appearing Real)

– How many insights do think you might have had in the last six months?
– How many led to change?
– How might you become more open to insight?

Let’s keep moving on our journey

I read somewhere, and it stuck with me, that there are two fundamental drivers for all human behaviour.
• Love
• Fear
In other words if you ask why enough times, you’ll find one of these two at the root.
It might be fear of failure, love for another, fear of losing someone, love of danger etc. Somehow I find this reassuring on my journey and in my quest to help others, that when you boil it all down it comes to these two things.
Now let us carry on with a useful device.
The observer
This device is going to be the single most important tool on your journey and if you take nothing else at all from this BLOG other than this, then I, as the author will feel, writing the BLOG was worthwhile.
Like Athony DeMello says in his book ‘Awareness’ , no one can show you a technique, no one can really help you. What I will do is share with you what worked for me.
To create your Observer, imagine an entity that is able to hear all your thoughts, see what you are seeing and through doing that, it can tell what you are paying attention to, what you are feeling, what emotion is present within you. If you like, it is a reporter watching you and listening to you very intently and when you ask it, is able to report what it notices you are feeling / thinking / paying attention to.
The reason we need one, is to catch ourselves following patterns in order to become consciously aware of what they are, so that, for instance, we can choose to change them. It is important to be detached and not become absorbed by, or overwhelmed by what the observer is noticing, for instance depression. If you are saying to yourself ‘I am depressed’ that is not observing, you need to be able to say, ‘there is depression within me , or there is sadness in me.
Interestingly what you are doing here is creating a brain pattern called the Observer and as for most patterns stored in our minds, your brain needs to ‘learn’ how to do this new thing. To do that, it needs to practice, so that the new pattern will get laid down.

To get started with this, when you are driving, or riding a bike, or a horse 🙂 or walking, or running, ask yourself as you come to various parts of your journey, what am I paying attention to here?

In my experience, what I pay attention to at a roundabout is very different to what I pay attention to on a motorway.

It may help to keep a journal of your thoughts, to really establish ‘The Observer”

As you learn to (and remember to) invoke the observer:-

What do you notice about your thoughts / thinking in various situations?
Are they mostly positive / negative?
What beliefs do you notice ‘kicking in’?