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Learning Re-Frame

When we learn something new, we may feel uncomfortable or excited, because we look inside our heads and the ‘how to do it’, is not really there yet  then the brain’s threat mechanism is triggered, (uncertain) hence the feeling. We can reframe this and say, when we feel uncomfortable or excited in this way, we are probably learning. So if you don’t feel something then maybe you are not learning 🙂
Back to creating the Observer. First pick a skill that you already have, (I chose driving a car), to create and exercise the Observer. As you are doing that activity ask the Observer to notice, for example, what you are paying attention to and what your thinking is. When I did this, (using driving), I noticed that when approaching a roundabout my attention is taken up with where the edges of my car are in relation to others, what the car directly in front of me is doing and when that vehicle has gone, looking at the traffic already on the roundabout to judge when it is safe to join. This experience contrasts with driving on a motorway where my attention is taken up with the speed of my car, which cars might move into my lane, a safe space I can move to if something happens, what’s in my mirror etc. Whenever you remember just ask the observer to report. What you will find is, that it becomes more and more skilled in noticing what’s going on inside your head and what you are paying attention to. This is a great thing to know since what you pay attention to, you get good at, whether that thing is helping you or hindering you, you are getting good at it.
In fact what you are doing here is creating and moving to, another level of consciousness, one that is aware of what you are conscious of. As I said In Observer post, if you do nothing more from this BLOG, then do this, move to a higher level of consciousness and become aware of your thought patterns, feelings and emotions, name them, notice how you are, when they are present and when they are not.

What are your thoughts saying about this post?

What were your thought patterns the last time you had different point of view to others?

Points of View are interesting, why do we defend them so? (Be another BLOG entry, keep watching 🙂  )

Let’s keep moving on our journey

I read somewhere, and it stuck with me, that there are two fundamental drivers for all human behaviour.
• Love
• Fear
In other words if you ask why enough times, you’ll find one of these two at the root.
It might be fear of failure, love for another, fear of losing someone, love of danger etc. Somehow I find this reassuring on my journey and in my quest to help others, that when you boil it all down it comes to these two things.
Now let us carry on with a useful device.
The observer
This device is going to be the single most important tool on your journey and if you take nothing else at all from this BLOG other than this, then I, as the author will feel, writing the BLOG was worthwhile.
Like Athony DeMello says in his book ‘Awareness’ , no one can show you a technique, no one can really help you. What I will do is share with you what worked for me.
To create your Observer, imagine an entity that is able to hear all your thoughts, see what you are seeing and through doing that, it can tell what you are paying attention to, what you are feeling, what emotion is present within you. If you like, it is a reporter watching you and listening to you very intently and when you ask it, is able to report what it notices you are feeling / thinking / paying attention to.
The reason we need one, is to catch ourselves following patterns in order to become consciously aware of what they are, so that, for instance, we can choose to change them. It is important to be detached and not become absorbed by, or overwhelmed by what the observer is noticing, for instance depression. If you are saying to yourself ‘I am depressed’ that is not observing, you need to be able to say, ‘there is depression within me , or there is sadness in me.
Interestingly what you are doing here is creating a brain pattern called the Observer and as for most patterns stored in our minds, your brain needs to ‘learn’ how to do this new thing. To do that, it needs to practice, so that the new pattern will get laid down.

To get started with this, when you are driving, or riding a  bike, or a horse 🙂 or walking, or running, ask yourself as you come to various parts of your journey, what am I paying attention to here?

In my experience, what I pay attention to at a roundabout is very different to what I pay attention to on a motorway.

It may help to keep a journal of your thoughts, to really establish ‘The Observer”

As you learn to (and remember to) invoke the observer:-

  • What do you notice about your thoughts / thinking in various situations?
  • Are they mostly positive / negative?
  • What beliefs do you notice ‘kicking in’?

 

 

What is shaping our Journey in Life?

When you think about it, the life journey could be considered to be derived from decisions made, by yourself and by others. Working from the premise that in life there are no ‘good or bad’ decisions, just consequences, it is those consequences that helped to create the person you are today. This BLOG then is written to help you make better informed decisions, through the use of various models and insights.
It took me a long time to arrive at the perspective above. I think I was in my early / mid forties.

Holding this belief has really helped me see that I would not be the person I am today if I had not had ‘my’ experiences and ‘my’ learnings. As I said earlier we each map the world according to our beliefs and the decisions we make are tied into what we believe.
The beliefs come from our experience and conditioning in life and we begin forming them at a very early age. Transactional Analysis (TA) tells us that, between birth (and maybe before)  and three months old, (before we have developed language), we are sensing the world around us and building ‘scripts’ to deal with it, (for example, whether we feel safe or not). These ‘scripts’ are laid down within each of us and basically we spend the rest of our lives living them out, (see my previous entry around The Drowning Man). However, they are in fact, thought patterns and can be changed by choosing to do so, (not easy but possible).

We also get conditioned (learn beliefs) through all sorts of other  influences, (parents, siblings, friends, peers, school, teachers, books, television, newspapers, what we learn works or does not work, what is good, what is bad, what gets attention etc).

We create beliefs about ourselves and others, what we can and cannot do, if you like, our self-esteem is built within our belief system
Our belief map / system is a fundamental part of us and since we are pattern making beings, as I said earlier, our beliefs are laid down as patterns of thought within our brain.

What I have learned is, if they are patterns of thought held in the brain then I can change them. Not all of them of course, because a lot of them are useful and help me run my life. Some of them though limit me and when I catch myself with a belief that is holding me back, I ask “Where did I learn this? Who taught me I cannot do this? What experience have I had that says this is impossible for me? How do I know I cannot do this? If I really want to do this, what new belief do I need to hold about myself (or the world, or others, or something else?) If I were to hold that belief, how would that sit within my belief system? Do I need to modify it in some way? I will cover this in more detail.

Remember also, fundamental is the belief we all hold of, I am right! So whether you believe you can or you cannot, you are right!

  • What beliefs do you hold presently about yourself, in terms of what you can and cannot do?
  • When did you learn them? (At what age?)
  • Who from?
  • Write down the unhelpful ones and look at them written / out there
    • Choose one to focus on
    • What triggers it?
    • Think about what you might believe instead?
      • Begin learning to perceive through this ‘new’ belief (lens), what do you notice?

And now you can be right about this new belief 🙂

Beliefs we may learn early in Life

In the journey to becoming you, a major influence is the beliefs we form early in life.

For example, a belief held by many people that holds them back in life is “I’m not good enough”. Think about beliefs you learned as a child. See the information below

When did you learn these  / beliefs / lenses?

How old were you?

The following is a synopsis from Transactional Analysis (TA) on childhood scripts known as injunctions and drivers

Figure 1 The Drowning Man

See detail http://www.activatetherapy.co.uk/single-post/2017/05/01/On-being-a-lifeguard

TA identifies twelve key injunctions which people commonly build into their scripts. These are injunctions in the sense of being powerful “I can’t/mustn’t …” messages that embed into a child’s belief and life-script:
• Don’t be (don’t exist)
• Don’t be who you are (Don’t Be You)
• Don’t be a child
• Don’t grow up
• Don’t make it in your life (Don’t Succeed)
• Don’t do anything!
• Don’t be important
• Don’t belong
• Don’t be close
• Don’t be well (don’t be sane!)
• Don’t think
• Don’t feel.

In addition, there is the so-called episcript:
“You should (or deserve to) have this happen in your life, so it doesn’t have to happen to me.” (Magical thinking on the part of the parent(s).)

Against these, a child is often told other things he or she must do. There is debate as to whether there are five or six of these ‘drivers‘:
• Please me/others!
• Be perfect!
• Be Strong!
• Try Hard!
• Hurry Up!
• Be Careful! (is in dispute)
Thus in creating his script, a child will often attempt to juggle these, example: “It’s okay for me to go on living (ignore don’t exist) so long as I try hard”.
This explains why some change is inordinately difficult. To continue the above example: When a person stops trying hard and relaxes to be with his family, the injunction You don’t have the right to exist which was being suppressed by their script now becomes exposed and a vivid threat. Such an individual may feel a massive psychological pressure which he himself doesn’t understand, to return to trying hard, in order to feel safe and justified (in a childlike way) in existing.
Driver behaviour is also detectable at a very small scale, for instance in instinctive responses to certain situations where driver behaviour is played out over five to twenty seconds.
Broadly speaking, scripts can fall into Tragic, Heroic or Banal (or Non-Winner) varieties, depending on their rules.

Now think about this:-

What might you have ‘Learned’ as a child, that maybe holding you back today?

What if you could change the belief? Create a new lens to look at reality, what would that belief be?

What do you now have to learn?

Remember when you hold a belief about something, you are right! And you have evidence to back it up.

The beliefs talked about above are not easy to change, just begin by noticing when they ‘Kick in’.

Perhaps practice  changing a less deeply seated belief and notice what thinking comes up when you do

E.g. I can’t walk into a room of  ‘friendly’ strangers and talk to someone

Change the belief and you will be right about the new way! and build evidence to back that up.

#feelthefearanddoitanyway.  I will come back to this Hashtag