Robin

Recognise the need to change and…

This is simple, just not easy; how do I begin to recognise the need for change? First thing is to start paying conscious attention to what is going on in my life. Don’t just let life happen to me. Begin to notice what is working well for me in life and what is not? What patterns of thinking and behaviour am I following? (Psychologists say for some of us, many of our thoughts are repetitive) How are they serving me? Or not?

Figure 2 Impact

What is the Impact I have on others? What is the impact they are having on me? It may help if you can keep a daily note or journal, it need not be elaborate, just enough for you to review after a month and be able to link back to that thinking or behaviour pattern.
Knowing you cannot change others, only yourself, then work with the journal and pick out the thing you want to really make a difference in.
For Example:-

– In meetings, rather than backing down and not thinking of an adequate response till ten minutes later when the ‘moment’ has gone. Create a way to give myself time to think of a response, that I can give more in the moment and then go ahead and give it.

– Change my constant pattern of thinking that a lot of other people are just, dare I say it, stupid!

Lets use these two examples (Respond in the Moment) RIM and (People are stupid) PAS
I read somewhere that there are three reasons to change:-

1 Too painful to stay as we are
2 Boredom
3 Realising we can

For my two examples I’ll cite reason 1 for the RIM change, I’m fed up being downtrodden in meetings and reason 2 for the PAS change, in other words I’m bored thinking of people like that and I wonder what it would be like if I changed and thought of them differently.

Using the observer, we can now begin to recognise each time the RIM or PAS pattern arises.
This is important because in order to effect the change, we need to pause and ‘catch’ the pattern before it has run through to its conclusion in order to do something different.

Think about what you may want to address and change, perhaps as suggested, start a simple journal to highlight what that might be.

Think about how you will be different when the ‘cue’ in reality arises.

What you will do differently?

Remember it is only you who changes you 🙂

On Attachment, Reality and Stress

the level of stress we experience is directly proportional to the atta

Figure 1 Attachment – Stress relationship

Attachment
This is an important insight to grasp, or rather as we shall see, to hold lightly 🙂 , because, I believe, it is the underlying driver of much stress, sadness and suffering, in that we hold on to some things too tightly, setting up expectations around them and expending a lot of energy and attention on them .

The brain, is a meaning seeking, pattern making, prediction organ, operating on the principle, minimise threat – maximise reward. When we use our wonderful brain, and it holds the belief, I am right, 🙂 to predict what reality will do and reality does not match that prediction or expectation, then we stress, see figure 1. We stress about what reality has to be, what it should be, what it must be, what it ought to be and eh, it isn’t! It does what it does! It is what it is!

If we have a high level of attachment to the outcome being the way we predicted, we will experience high levels of stress, #controlfreak.

Let me bring in an insight here, from NLP, called modal operators. A modal operator is language that we use either internally or externally with others and if, (using your Observer), you just pay attention to your own self talk, or the conversations of others, you will hear these modal operators. They are “should”, “shouldn’t”,” must”, “have to”, “ got to” and “ought to”. You will hear yourself saying to someone as you talk about someone else, they should really do this or that. The issue with modal operators is that there is no law that says we should / shouldn’t, must, or ought to, do anything at all. Is there? (Otherwise people would not break the law once they knew it 🙂 ). I want you to really think about this. There is no law! When these modal operators are used there is always stress generated for someone. For instance ourselves, when we say ‘John must reply to my note’ and he doesn’t!
What you can teach yourself to use, instead of these modal operators is, ‘I would prefer that….’ so the phrase becomes ‘ I would prefer that John replies to my note.’ As you practice this (and you will need to practice using ‘ I would prefer…’ as opposed to ‘they must…’), you will find the pattern that you’ve had laid down for years begins to change and you become a little less stressed 🙂
Coupling these two things together, ‘we are fine and everybody else needs to change’ with ‘we cannot change others’ and get stressed when we try to’. It would seem that a useful thing to do would be to change ourselves! One of the most important things I have learned, put the focus on myself, not everybody else, not easy 🙂

A quote from Anthony de Mello (One minute wisdom)
“How shall I help the World?”
“By understanding it,” said the Master
“And how shall I understand it?”
“By turning away from it.”
“How then shall I serve humanity?”
“By understanding yourself.”

The key to lowering stress levels triggered by attachment ? Change the language you use. Instead of using should, must, have to, ought to, try using the word prefer. Viz:- “what I would prefer is…” or “what are the possibilities here?”

When and where do you use ‘should, must etc’?
What happens when you change to using prefer?

Why do I do what I do? Part 2

Part 1 Why do I do what I do?

Part 2 (Quite Long 😐 )

Following on from Part 1, this provides a little more detail on the levels

The Logical levels detail

Figure 1 Logical Levels

Environment
When considering human behaviour, it is important to note that it will always occur within an environment. The environment will affect behaviour and of course behaviour will affect the environment. Examples are people behave differently when locked up in a penal institution and also, if you consider the World-wide organisation Greenpeace, it is constantly telling us our behaviour as a species is having major effects on the environment.
Thus there is a link between where we are and what we do. We can consider also that working within, for instance, a large corporation, puts us in an environment where certain behaviours are expected, allowed etc. You may also consider that technology / tools / infrastructure are part of the environment.

Behaviour
So knowing there is a strong two-way link between environment and behaviour then we can look to see if the environment is appropriate and conducive to the behaviour desired.
It must also be very clear at this level, what specific behaviour(s) is/are being addressed, they need to be described.
The next level to consider is given when we ask the question does this person, or group of people know how to behave in the desired way?

Capability / Competency
Now we are at the level of competency, again there is a two-way linkage What we know how to do will affect our behaviour and the feedback we get from behaving in specific ways will increase or maybe decrease our competency levels.

A good example is when we learn to drive. When faced with having to behave as a driver does for the first time, we recognise that our competency is low and we need a lot of assistance to learn the desired behaviours, until they become locked in as unconscious competency.

So when observing behaviour and noticing it is not what is desired, we need to ask, does the person or group of people, really have the knowledge, skill, capability to behave in the desired way? In fact are they able to utilise the environment (technology – tools – infrastructure)

We now need to consider what the person or group of people believe in order to understand the reasons behind exhibiting specific behaviours or just as commonly not exhibiting those behaviours

Beliefs
As we get down into the level of beliefs then we are getting close to the essence of the person and it is interesting to note that if you wish to discuss beliefs with a person or group constructively (and this is one of my beliefs 🙂 ) then you need a high level of rapport and the language tonality is probably gentle.
As people grow, they form beliefs about all sorts of things including what are good and bad things to do at work. These may be influenced by colleagues, previous Managers, Fathers, Mothers, schoolteachers, people in public life, personal experience, all sorts of things. What’s important to consider here is, beliefs will affect whether we want to learn new ways, whether what is being proposed makes sense (we check the new proposal against our beliefs of, for instance, good and bad, if it makes sense then the behaviour will possibly follow). Switching beliefs is sometimes called generating Buy-in and is extremely important if we want to change behaviour. Another check we will do at this level is ‘How important is it that I do this’? If I believe its important then I’ll do it…” My boss and her boss in a room all day telling me about it, makes it important in my judgment”
To summarise, if I believe something then I will look for evidence to support that belief (and find it by the way 🙂 )..and behave in ways that support the belief. So fundamental to new behaviours is beliefs that back them up.

Note:- New beliefs may need to be switched to, from old long held beliefs. Nice easy thing to do? Eh, maybe it will take some focused attention 🙂

Identity
The identity level or level of I, is where we ask the question What does this mean to me, or about me, how does this make me feel? It is I who hold this set of beliefs and have these competencies / skills and behave in these specific ways in particular environments.
This is where the power game and EGO live and it has a powerful effect on what people will and will not do in terms of behaviour. Thus if we are asking a Leader to behave in a specific new way and he/she thinks that makes me feel like I’m not trusted… then they may say they’ll do it but the observed behaviour will be they don’t really…maybe we get lip service..
We must pay a lot of attention to this level for change to be a success

Spiritual / beyond identity / life purpose
The final deepest level is the spiritual level.

Let me share an experience I had, as an example.
In the early 1990s in Solihull town square, I saw a group of people singing and playing guitars, they seemed to be very happy and smiling. It is pouring rain but they don’t seem to mind. Other people (including me 🙂 ), singly and in small groups are rushing by, looking for shelter, not paying the first group any attention. This first group, it turns out are committed religious people and if you like, are different to the others at this deep fundamental spiritual level. In other words, they have a purpose, who they think they are is different, the beliefs they hold are different, about good and bad things to do, what will work, what won’t work, what will happen in the future etc. etc…Also what they’ve become good at is different and of course, as I observed, the behaviour is certainly different from the norm in a rainy town square.

I would also point to the purpose in Mother Theresa or Ghandi, both seeing God in poverty and distress.

Let me end with another picture of the Dilts’Logical Levels

Thinking about your behaviour, in some specific contexts:-

Think of a behaviour you perhaps don’t do so well?
Which level might hold the key? 🙂
Where a behaviour is expected of you and you don’t really do it, what are your beliefs about it?
What would it mean about you if you really did do it?
Where your behaviour could be perceived as negative, what is ‘driving’ that?
Just notice the behaviour of others, (at work or with family / friends) what might be at the root of those behaviours ? Perhaps seek their intent behind behaving this way. 🙂

Why do I do what I do? Part 1

Why do I do what I do?

I don’t know if you ever thought about this question, or maybe, think as I often do… Why do they keep doing that?

This model, (introduction in this post) enables a deeper understanding of what is going on, by describing what drives our behaviour,

Logical Levels Model

The model described here is from the art and science of Neuro Linguistic Programing (NLP). Specifically, my knowledge represented here, was gleaned from John Seymour and Robert Dilts. You can use the model with yourself, an individual, a group, a team, an organisation or even a country.

Assumptions

The model works from a premise that behind every human behaviour, there is always positive intent for someone. There are several influences on human behaviour and by understanding what those are, we are better able to facilitate a change in that behaviour, if we so desire.

If you wish to alter behaviour either in one individual (maybe yourself 🙂 ), or an Organisation, then think about each level described here and form a strategy to address it.

Figure 1 Logical Levels

Logical Levels Summary

Environmental factors determine the external opportunities or constraints a person has to react or respond to. Answer to the Questions where? and when?

Behaviour is made up of the specific actions, reactions or responses taken within the environment, what a person says and does. Answer to the question what?

Competency or capability guides and gives direction to behavioural actions through a mental map, plan or strategy. Answer to the question how?

Beliefs and values provide the reinforcement (motivation and permission) that supports or denies capabilities. Answer to the question why?

Identity factors determine overall purpose (mission) and shape beliefs and values through our sense of self. Answer to the Question who?

Spiritual relates to the fact that we are part of a larger system that reaches beyond ourselves as individuals, family, community, the world and Universe. Answer to the question who, what else?

You may have heard people say , “ I can’t do that (or xxx) here”, we can relate that to the levels thus:-

I …………Identity
Can’t …Belief
Do ……..Capability
That ….Behaviour
Here ….Environment

If you wish to alter behaviour either in one individual (remembering of course who changes you is you so, who changes them will be them 🙂 ), or an Organisation, then think about each level described here and form a strategy to address it. In fact if you listen closely to people (or yourself 🙂 ), as they express their ‘I can’t do that here,’for where they put an emphasis, it will tell you which level they have a problem, e.g. I can’t do that here, is probably pointing to a lack of skill. Now as Einstein said, the problem will not be resolved at the level it was observed, so we would probably have to work with Identity and beliefs as well as capability.

To be continued in Part 2

Why do I do what I do? Part 2

Relationships, can we measure how effective they are?

What if we had a way to monitor the status of important relationships?

Figure 1 Measuring the ‘quality’ of Relationships

What Figure 1 shows, is a way to judge or map, the relationships we have. Note:- this will be your perception of the conductivity of the relationship and not necessarily the other person’s and it may not be the ‘truth’about the relationship, since it is a perception / belief.

I’m sure as you think about the various relationships you have, you can place them somewhere on the scale of -2 to +2. The idea is once you have the relationship mapped initially, then you can do something to improve it from say -2 Anti to -1 unhelpful. This could be useful when, for example, you consider the network you have built / are building, in your workplace / career.

It may be an idea, to never let the others see what your perception of the relationship is 🙂

Why are relationships and the quality of them, important in the journey of you becoming you?

Make a list of the important relationships in your workplace.

What is the current status of each of them?
What actions are needed to move negative or neutral, in a positive direction?
What actions are needed in positive relationships to sustain them?