Month: April 2018

Changing beliefs; do you believe you can?

Figure 1 IM POSSIBLE

Belief change  can be triggered by a set of techniques, from the world of Neuro Linguistic Programimg  (NLP), which can then alter how we are, in certain situations. A presupposition of course is, that you really do want to change.
The reasons you’d want to know about this are:-
• Our internal maps of ‘Reality’ are determined by the beliefs we hold.
• Some of those maps that we have learned, may not be useful to us now, as they are currently held.
• The maps are laid down as patterns in our subconscious mind.
• We can ‘change’ and build new maps using different beliefs that will alter our perception of situations , problems etc.

What is this about?
A useful way to help us move forward in a situation when we determine a belief is holding us back.

How can we use this?
Let’s take an example of, responding in the moment.  Using the observer notice what beliefs come up when there is an opportunity to respond in the moment and we do not respond, for example :-
Belief :- I need to be sure of my facts, before I can ask any questions.
A question to perhaps now ask yourself is, what do I need to believe in order make a response in the moment?
I need to believe that it is not important to always have the all the details and facts, for example.

 Figure 2 Change beliefs change your life

Maybe a more useful belief to hold is :- It is OK to respond in the moment, without knowing all the facts and details. Write this new belief down and read it back to yourself over several days. You may need to modify it slightly to have it fit into your ‘changing’ mindset e.g. it becomes, “I am learning it is ok to respond in the moment, without knowing all the facts and details.”
In the next situation that arises,  let’s say, you do respond and find to your astonishment, nobody dies!  And you got more of what you needed 🙂

More details of these techniques can be found in NLP books and teachings, just be aware that you can change your beliefs, you are not ‘stuck’ with them forever.

Figure 3 Belief chain break

Start to notice situations, when beliefs are not serving you.

Explore that situation, what triggers the belief?

How might you change it?

What would be a more useful belief to hold?

Write that more useful belief down, play with the words till they sound good, for example add the words, “I am Learning to…”

How does the Brain represent Reality, Part 2

More on Representational Systems

Interestingly language gives us some clues about the primary representational system used by ourselves and others. Ever heard the phrases, “Oh I see what you are saying”, “I see what you mean”. At one level it doesn’t seem to make sense how can they see what I’m saying or meaning?

What’s coming through is leaking from their primary representational system, in this case visual. Let’s look at some examples in the following figures.

Figure 1 visual                                       Figure 2  auditory

Figure 3 kinesthetic

When you respond in the moment,  what is the prime system V, A, K, you use?  Use your ‘Observer’  to notice which system seems dominant?

It may be kinesthetic (feelings) in the moment and  perhaps you recall it later using visual.
Knowing for example that you get a feeling, in the moment, can enable you to do something different, ( respond )
When I get this feeling in a meeting I will say something out loud to register my discomfort and buy myself some time, to reflect on how I will respond. e.g. “Er just a moment here, that doesn’t feel quite right, I’d like to reflect on it and come back If I may”

If someone was being annoying in a meeting, what is the prime system you use in recalling that memory?

Using the ‘Observer’ in the moment of making a judgement about a person, which system is dominant?

What would the judgement be if you used another system?

In general, just start to be aware of language used by others and yourself.

Do you have the same preferred representational system as they do? If not can you switch to using their kind of language?  That really helps rapport and communication if you match others in language.
Think about a ‘vision’ for yourself. Use each of the representational systems
o What do I see?
o What do I hear?
o What do I feel?

Knowing your preferred representational system and being able to exercise the others, will give you greater flexibility in  connecting and communicating.

It will help you enrich your internal experience of  reality, the ‘world’ out there. 🙂

How does the Brain represent Reality part 1?

Figure 1 vakog

What are representational systems? See also part 2

Put another way, how does the brain re-present reality? (This entry is from the teachings of NLP).
The reasons you’d want to know about this are:-
• Your preferred system affects how you understand the ‘world’ out there
• We don’t all have the same preference and therefore do not all have the same ways of describing or talking about reality.
• Once you know your preference, you can exploit its strengths and begin to become more flexible by exploring other representational systems
What is this about?
A useful way to think about representational systems is; we experience the world through our five (or maybe there are six 🙂 ) senses, i.e. we see (visual), hear (auditory), feel (kinesthetic) smell (olfactory), taste (gustatory) and maybe we could include having a sixth sense (intuit). I will refer to the five using the acronym  (vakog). Let me take gustatory as an example. When you have a meal you obviously taste the food and this strongly involves your sense of smell, (olfactory). The other senses are also involved of course, we see the food (visual), we feel the textures (kinesthetic) and we hear (auditory) and this is maybe more subtle, the sounds of cutlery, conversation, maybe background noise in a restaurant. Etc. Thus there is a whole experience laid down as a set of patterns in our brains, driven by each of the five senses. This is an important notion here, that as we experience life ‘out there’, we lay down patterns internally, to represent the experience, using our five senses to drive that, see Figure 1 vakog

I trained in NLP back in 1996, with John Seymour, here he is explaining about Visual Auditory and Kinesthetic

If we now, let’s say, sometime after the meal, want to remember the experience then it is as if we relive the experience internally, triggering each of the senses. As an example let me ask you to think about cutting a lemon in half, removing the pips, then biting into the flesh, you can feel your mouth salivating now, at the expected sourness to come.

What am I saying here?
• We experience the world through our senses
• That experience is laid down as patterns in our brains
. We represent what is out there, internally in our minds
• We can ‘relive’ the experience by recalling the pattern / representation
It may or may not surprise you to know that when we lay down and recall memories we have a preferred system for doing that. The visual, auditory and kinesthetic are the primary systems used in most western cultures. Olfactory and gustatory are minor and usually lumped with kinesthetic. Another fact that may help you, is to know that our learning styles are closely aligned with visual, auditory and kinesthetic.

Think about the way you learn best.

  • By seeing pictures?
  • By listening?
  • By direct experience?

Recognise the need to change and…

Figure 1 understanding change

This is simple, just not easy; how do I begin to recognise the need for change? First thing is to start paying conscious attention to what is going on in my life. Don’t just let life happen to me. Begin to notice what is working well for me in life and what is not? What patterns of thinking and behaviour am I following? (Psychologists say  for some of us,  many of our thoughts are repetitive) How are they serving me? Or not?

Figure 2 Impact

What is the Impact I have on others? What is the impact they are having on me? It may help if you can keep a daily note or journal, it need not be elaborate, just enough for you to review after a month and be able to link back to that thinking or behaviour pattern.
Knowing you cannot change others, only yourself, then work with the journal and pick out the thing you want to really make a difference in.
For Example:-

– In meetings, rather than backing down and not thinking of an adequate response till ten minutes later when the ‘moment’ has gone. Create a way to give myself time to think of a response, that I can give more in the moment and then go ahead and give it.

– Change my constant pattern of thinking that a lot of other people are just, dare I say it, stupid!

Lets use these two examples (Respond in the Moment) RIM and (People are stupid) PAS
I read somewhere that there are three reasons to change:-

1 Too painful to stay as we are
2 Boredom
3 Realising we can

For my two examples I’ll cite reason 1 for the RIM change, I’m fed up being downtrodden in meetings and reason 2 for the PAS change, in other words I’m bored thinking of people like that and I wonder what it would be like if I changed and thought of them differently.

Using the observer, we can now begin to recognise each time the RIM or PAS pattern arises.
This is important because in order to effect the change, we need to  pause and ‘catch’ the pattern before it has run through to its conclusion in order to do something different.

Think about what you may want to address and change, perhaps as suggested, start a simple journal to highlight what that might be.

Think about how you will  be  different when the ‘cue’ in reality arises.

What you will do differently?

Remember it is only you who changes you 🙂

 

On Attachment, Reality and Stress

the level of stress we experience is directly proportional to the atta

Figure 1 Attachment – Stress relationship

Attachment
This is an important insight to grasp, or rather as we shall see, to hold lightly 🙂 , because, I believe, it is the underlying driver of much stress, sadness and suffering, in that we hold on to some things too tightly, setting up expectations around them and expending a lot of energy and attention on them .

The brain,  is a meaning seeking, pattern making, prediction organ, operating on the principle, minimise threat – maximise reward. When we use our wonderful brain, and it holds the belief, I am right, 🙂 to predict what reality will do and reality does not match that prediction or expectation, then we stress,   see figure 1. We stress about what reality has to be, what it should be, what it must be, what it ought to be and eh, it isn’t! It does what it does! It is what it is! 

If we have a high level of attachment to the outcome being the way we predicted, we will experience high levels of stress, #controlfreak.

Let me bring in an insight here, from NLP, called modal operators. A modal operator is language that we use either internally or externally with others and if, (using your Observer), you just pay attention to your own self talk, or the conversations of others, you will hear these modal operators. They are “should”, “shouldn’t”,” must”, “have to”, “ got to” and “ought to”. You will hear yourself saying to someone as you talk about someone else, they should really do this or that. The issue with modal operators is that there is no law that says we should / shouldn’t, must, or ought to, do anything at all. Is there? (Otherwise people would not break the law once they knew it 🙂 ). I want you to really think about this. There is no law!  When these modal operators are used there is always stress generated for someone. For instance ourselves, when we say ‘John must reply to my note’ and he doesn’t!
What you can teach yourself to use, instead of these modal operators is, ‘I would prefer that….’ so the phrase becomes ‘ I would prefer that John replies to my note.’ As you practice this (and you will need to practice using ‘ I would prefer…’ as opposed to ‘they must…’), you will find the pattern that you’ve had laid down for years begins to change and you become a little less stressed 🙂
Coupling these two things together, ‘we are fine and everybody else needs to change’ with ‘we cannot change others’ and get stressed when we try to’. It would seem that a useful thing to do would be to change ourselves! One of the most important things I have learned, put the focus on myself, not everybody else, not easy 🙂

A quote from Anthony de Mello (One minute wisdom)
“How shall I help the World?”
“By understanding it,” said the Master
“And how shall I understand it?”
“By turning away from it.”
“How then shall I serve humanity?”
“By understanding yourself.”

The key to lowering stress levels triggered by attachment ? Change the language you use. Instead of using should, must, have to, ought to, try using the word prefer. Viz:- “what I would prefer is…” or “what are the possibilities here?”

  • When and where do you use ‘should, must etc’?
  • What happens when you change to using prefer?