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The Conductivity of Relationships

It is important when we think about the relationships we have, to consider their quality (measure of excellence).

Why?

  • We are social animals and live in relationship all the time.
  • Because the quality of  relationship will define what can flow across it and how easily it does that (both ways).

Why  have I used Conductivity in the title of this entry?

A fundamental aspect of electrical engineering concerns the conductivity of component parts. (Conductivity :- The ability or power to conduct or transmit heat, electricity, or sound.) Wood does not conduct, copper does, as per the diagram above when conduction happens, the light comes on 🙂

Take  the example of electricity running in one cable compared to running in another. If the cables / wires are of different diameters, then the current they are capable of carrying, without ‘burning up’ is defined by the cross- section of the wire,  e.g a tiny diameter copper wire is used in electric fires to generate heat and if too much current is passed through it, it will break (it is how electrical fuses work)
If you have large diameter copper wires such as used in London Underground, to transmit electric current to the rails, then the amount of current that can flow is much much greater than  flows in the electric fire.
In this metaphor you can see that the conductivity of the wires (proportional to the diameter) defines how much ‘energy’ can flow without breaking.
If we join two wires together with massively different conductivities, the energy that can flow without breaking, is determined by the conductivity of the smaller diameter wire. Solder a 13 amp fuse wire to the Underground wire and the maximum current that can flow without ‘blowing the fuse’, is 13 amps!

So it is with Human to Human engagement, relationships and communication.  What flows is determined by the lowest conductivity..

When communicating with other people the message can be lost if the connection between us lacks conductivity. If the flow (conductivity ) of one person does not match the flow (conductivity) of the other in a communicative act, then the message one is communicating to the other may be compromised. For example I am very enthusiastically speaking about this subject, my favourite, at 700 amps worth and you can only take 13 amps worth.. Your fuse blows, you do what we know as ‘glaze over’ #toomuchinformation

Think of some important relationships

  • How conductive are they?
  • What flows from the sender and is never received?
  • How can you make the relationship more conductive?

“We never listen to people who do not listen to us”

Why not try really listening to the other first 🙂

Perspectives on Relationships, a big part of You becoming You?

Relationship, (which may be for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime), describes how we relate to or interact with another or others, or indeed ourselves. It is useful to think about a relationship as separate from the people involved. A separate entity if you like, see Figure 1 Relationship.

Figure 1 Relationship

A salesman told this story about relationships.  He said,
“When I was about fourteen or fifteen, I remember doing history. I liked history and enjoyed writing the essays. One thing puzzled me though, my best mate, was always marked higher than me. Both of us agreed that my essays were superior and he could not understand what was going on either. We decided to do a swap, he’d submit my essays and I would submit his for a month. Well what do you know, he still got the higher marks (well he deserved them now 🙂 ) and when we swapped back the higher marks stayed with him. I learned a big lesson from that, which had a direct effect on my career decision, to be a salesman. Relationship is at least as important, if not sometimes more important, than what is delivered”

The three relationships this BLOG is written around
You need to pay attention to:-
 Your relationship with yourself
 Encompassing:- Me to myself
This is the key relationship and forms the foundation from which the other two are built. If it is not in good shape then the other two will not be either
 Your relationship with others
 Encompassing :- Me to them and them to me
Usually where we experience problems or joy
 Your spiritual relationship
 Encompassing:- Me to God (or e.g. Universe) and God (the Universe) to me
Where our true sense of fulfilment as a person lies, it is often talked about when it is not there, as an emptiness, a gap, something not right or missing in my life, (even although I’ve done all these things and made all this money and am very famous, I’m still searching for something)

Looking again at Figure 1 Relationship, you will see there are three entities, the relationship itself and the two participants.

A useful concept here is, to think about and perhaps design a work relationship, an alliance.  If you can create a separate relationship from, for example the ‘day to day / social’ relationship, then it is possible to discuss the ‘work’ without interfering with the main relationship.

Here is an example of manager / employee where each party can describe what they need in the relationship viz.
Employee:
• I need to be told my work is on track and given some guidance if it is not, at least once per month.
• It would help me to have a conversation with you at least once per week, to stay ‘connected’
• I would appreciate being left to do my job without being asked constantly what’s happening and then being told how to do it.
Manager:
• It would help me greatly to know of any potential problems as early as possible, no surprises.
• I would prefer that you complete your reports in a timely way without having to be ‘chased’
• I would like also that we can raise any issues promptly and openly share anything getting in the way of achieving results

The above is an example of one of the relationships with others that you may have. I’m not suggesting that every relationship you have is articulated in this way, however it is an option if the relationship is not as you desire it to be.

To make you think on Wisdom

 

Just questions on :- Wisdom

* What is it that gets in the way of wisdom?
* Are we wise when we are born and learn foolishness? share your thoughts with others.
* Is there always a wise way forward in any situation? share your thoughts with others.
* What is it that a wise person does less than others?
* What is it that a wise person does more than others?
* What motivates a foolish person?
* What motivates wise people?
* “Why do fools rush in where angels fear to tread?”
* How do you know you are being wise and how do you know you’re not?
* In what ways is wisdom distinguished from knowledge?
* What is always true of wisdom?
* How can the receiving of wisdom be verified?
* How does it get received?
* What has to be the case for wisdom to be exchanged?
* How is it passed on?
* How is it accessed?
* How is it held?
* Where is it held?
* How is it created?
* What is wisdom specifically?
* Is love connected with wisdom?
If it is explain how
if it is not share your thoughts with others
* How is wisdom today different / same as in the days of Socrates (circa 430bc)?
* What makes you call a person wise?
* How are wisdom and context related, if at all?
* If wisdom is not present, what is?

* Can there ever be situations where wisdom cannot / must not prevail? share your thoughts

* What wakes us up to wisdom, makes us aware of it?
* How do you distinguish wisdom from pragmatism.

* Give a metaphor for wisdom?
* What issues would there be in the world if everyone was wise?
* Is wisdom valued in today’s world? where? when? how?
* What do wise people, focus on / pay attention to?
* What makes wisdom valued?
* If you could do one thing to help wisdom prevail in the world, what would that be?
* Give a synonym and antonym for wisdom
* Castaway on a desert island, would you prefer your ‘Man Friday’ to be clever or wise? is it possible to be one without the other? discuss
* What question about wisdom, would you ask?

Finally:-

  • When are you wise?
  • When are you not?
  • What makes the difference?

 

The Arc of Uncertainty

 

What is this all about?

“The quest for certainty blocks the search for meaning. Uncertainty is the very condition that impels us to unfold our powers.” Erich Fromm

In my thinking about certainty and the brain,  it has become clear to me, that :-

  • We are born – we are uncertain
  • We learn – we become certain
  • We learn – we become uncertain again

In other words as we learn, we become certain, about what we learn, for example, Santa Claus 🙂 ….and then no Santa Claus 🙁 then as parents 🙂

The brain uses what it learns to  predict, to be ‘certain’ about what will happen in reality and then how to deal with that.  See diagram below

As the diagram says, prediction is a primary function of the brain, using the experience it has built up, the Beliefs / Lenses it has laid down, about how to deal with reality.

Because our brain really does like to be certain and does not like being uncertain, it can become quite stubborn, in clinging on to its beliefs  , as you may recognise,when you are holding on to your Point of View as if your very life depended on you being right 🙂

You may notice, that there are many of us who are certain about many things, triggering this quote, “Beware the man who is certain, he is the cause of all the problems in  the world!”

If we reach (not all of us do), the second ‘age of uncertainty’ on the Arc, then we are ‘OK’ at that time, with being uncertain, exploring, learning and realising most of our ‘learned certainty’ before, was an illusion 🙂

Reality will do what it does, (it is what it is). You may believe you can control it (the illusion). You cannot.

The next time you react emotionally, see if you can notice who or what, you are trying to control? (Because you were ‘certain’ reality would do as you had predicted / believed it would and there was a mismatch)

As human beings, one of the main ways we stress, is by setting an expectation (prediction) that then, is not met 🙂

The level to which we stress, is directly proportional to the attachment we have to the outcome being the way we predicted 🙂

If you detect “should, must, have to, ought to,” in a sentence somewhere, then there will be levels of stress, when reality does what it does and outcomes do not match the expectations / predictions,  made by your brain

  • Where are you on the Arc?
  • How certain are you of that answer?
  • What are you currently trying to control in reality, that is stressing you?
  • What would it mean, for you, if your beliefs were just that, beliefs?
  • What changed (needs to change) in you, for you to be ok with reality being uncertain?

Feel the Fear – Do it anyway.

 

What is the purpose of fear?

What outcome is that e-motion focused on?

Primarily Safety – to keep us safe, is one of the main reasons we become afraid, see fight, flight, freeze.

Let’s look at the SCARF model again

As David says, fundamental drivers of the brain are perceived threat and reward. In his SCARF paper he talks of an underlying principle that the brain operates on, Minimise Threat – Maximise Reward (Avoid  – Approach) with a huge bias toward Minimise Threat (keep us safe).

Collaborating & Influencing using SCARF

So how does fear stop us?  We hold beliefs about ourselves, often learned early in life, about what we can or can’t do, oh and we are right about those beliefs being ‘true’  🙂

Looking at the picture above, familiar  thinking / behaviour has the potential to trigger reward (dopamine) and it does. There is Certainty (one of the SCARF domains) about the familiar – we know what is going to happen. As the slide says even if the familiar thing is ‘bad’ for us we get a reward from the brain, see addiction. 

New thinking / behaviour on the other hand triggers a perceived threat state, we are uncertain, not sure about what may happen, if we think in this new way, believe this new thing, act in this new way, we then trigger an amygdala flood.

How old do you think we are when we first perceive threat and reward?

As a child, we build patterns based on what our brain ‘learns’in terms of avoiding threat. The brain then uses these learned ways of thinking and behaving and they become familiar, laid down as patterns (which take no conscious effort to evoke when required).  When we follow these familiar ways, we don’t get nasty threat feelings.  Of course  we are right when we justify those ways 🙂

What is happening?

One of the things that happens, is that we learn we do not like the effect of the threat response and the feelings it evokes within us.  We then become afraid of feeling that feeling. 🙂 The brain being the brain, learns “ah ok if we don’t go to that threat state then we won’t get that horrible feeling” and we’ll feel ‘safe’! Oh and being the brain I know  I am right about that 🙂

So that’s what we’ll do, we’ll just not go there and that’s a habit formed 🙂

What to do?

We need to go there 🙂 feel the fear and do it anyway. We think it / do it and nobody dies 🙂 We ride through the feelings of sick in the stomach (because blood moves to our muscles to get ready to fight or flight) of the rising heart rate, shallow breathing, dry mouth etc. We ride it out and in so doing our brain learns that actually,  we can do it or think it 🙂 🙂

It may be useful to use the name it, claim it, tame it method here also. E.g. if you are feeling uncertain, just say “there goes my certainty trigger”

As you triumph over the fear / threat response doing the ‘new way’ will become easier and end up as the preferred way.

What about adrenaline junkies?

I’m not one 🙂  It would appear that they relish and look for the rush generated by the Fear/ Stress reaction in the mind and body

  • What will you now feel the fear about and then do anyway?