pause – How did You become You?

A point of view is just a view from a point!

Points of view are interesting, in that we defend them sometimes as if our life was depending on that point of view being the absolute ‘truth’.

What’s going on?

Well in the picture above, Black Beret on the left has a belief and remember the definition of a belief as (a lens through which we perceive reality) that there are Four, that’s what he believes, backed up by what he sees, the ‘evidence’. Oh and of course he has the common belief we all have, ‘I am right’. Now look at the perspective (point of view) that No Beret (his brother 🙂 ) holds. His belief, his lens, tells him there are Three and he has the ‘evidence’ to back it up and of course he has the belief ‘I am right’ also. Oh dear!

It would actually all be fine if our brains did not care about disagreement and just played “yeah whatever” and sometimes it does.

It just does not care!

And sometimes it does!

What is making the difference?

Caring.. If I am invested in the point of view and by that I mean, it is important for me, it means something to me.

There is something else however:-

When you disagree with me, my brain perceives that as an attack, a threat.

Then, what happens? I will cover this in much more detail in a future post, for now though, just be aware of how the brain developed. I will use the concept of the Triune Brain proposed by Neurologist Dr Paul Maclean, for simplicity here (you will find, not all Neurologists hold the same point of view as Paul 🙂 ) However it is useful to talk briefly about what is going on when there is disagreement.

At a simple level, the reptilian brain ‘perceives’ the disagreement as an attack, (and by the way in any situation, this part of the brain gets control first, to keep us safe). The amygdala then, get control and put the brain in fight / flight/ freeze mode. This releases Adrenalin (to prepare us for the ‘fight’) the rational brain (pre-frontal Cortex) is also shut down, so we do not have access to superior executive powers of thinking. All that is ‘running’ in the Brain is “my life is in danger – I must win this fight!!” And by the way we also cease to listen to what the others are saying, we are just listening for a gap to get our point of view articulated more! Sometimes we don’t even wait for the gap, we just talk and nobody’s listening !! That I’m sure, you have seen many times with points of view, in politics for example 🙂

Let me finish here with two points of view on a mountain, Ben Nevis in Scotland. Both are talking about the same mountain.

“Come on, let’s amble up this wee hill”

“No way, that’s an enormous challenge”

How might you work with points of view differently now?
How might you respond rather than defend or attack or both?
Would holding differing points of view perhaps be a good time to practice the Pause?

Responding with and through your Orchestra.

You are learning in life, how to Respond appropriately, to what reality puts in front of you.

This is a major concept to understand and take control of, in your journey to becoming you. By learning how to Pause and Respond, you reduce the levels of stress you put yourself under.

Question:-

Who / what makes you angry?

Answer:- You do! Stuff happens, then you make yourself angry. Until we take responsibility for our feelings, we will find them difficult to control. I.e. as long as the responsibility is out there, viz:- “he’s really annoying me” then I do not have to change anything, he does! So the responsibility for how I feel, lies with him! So there!

Eh, no, the responsibility for how you feel, lies with you 🙂

See also the serenity prayer:-

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

I love this quote from an American Pastor, Chuck Swindoll:-

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company… a church… a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past… we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you… we are in charge of our Attitudes.”
― Charles R. Swindoll

Life is 10% what happens, 90% how we deal with it

We can ALWAYS choose our attitude in any given moment, if you choose not to, or default to not choosing your attitude, then you will React to what is in front of you.

If you choose a resourceful positive attitude, than that is how you will be 🙂

Let me talk about building more resources for you

Imagine learning to play a musical instrument, or possibly more apt, building and conducting an orchestra.

In the ‘orchestra’ of our mind, some of us have perfected the percussion section (loud drums etc), played when we get annoyed, (there is a great book that talks to this “The Chimp Paradox” by Steve Peters). It may be when the orchestra plays, that’s all we get!

Maybe you never play percussion and how you respond to reality, is just to play a beautiful single note from a violin, or anywhere in between. This of course will vary according to the context we find ourselves in.

In an orchestra, the musicians are arranged into four sections:- the strings—such as violins and cellos—sit at the front. The woodwind—such as oboes, clarinets, saxophones, bassoons—and brass—such as trumpets and French horns—sit in the middle. Percussion—such as kettledrums and a xylophone—sit at the back.

Notice the percussion sits at the back (because they are very loud)
What about building all your sections? Woodwind, brass, strings and percussion.

This will create much richer sounds and can be very delicate, when only one violin is gently playing

What am I saying here? Perhaps you know how to do percussion, or play some notes quietly on a violin and that is mainly what you do automatically when you are stressed and you React.

The work here is to LEARN how to ‘play’ all or any of your violins, oboes, clarinets, saxophones, trumpets and timpani, so that, when you need to, you can Respond appropriately.

How to do that?

Think through and prepare before an event, situation e.g. a meeting, what might trigger you to React (e.g. with percussion) and prepare yourself to Respond through your violins softly, gently, sweetly.

Now practice, practice, practice in your mind, play it through in your mind, imagine for example, playing the “violins, violas, cellos”, adding richness of tone to your Response

Then once you have the strings, move to woodwind then brass, and percussion, imagine your Response as you ‘play’ those instruments. Of course it may also be necessary to bring in percussion 🙂 This time though, you will be doing that consciously.

Then, when you actually are in the situation, meeting or event, you have already practiced your response, so it becomes easier to invoke it.

Like learning anything it will appear ‘clunky’ in the beginning (conscious incompetence), then as you repeat the experiences of Responding, now using your full orchestra, becomes ‘easier’.
Won’t it be great, in any situation having access to the resource of your full orchestra!

In a Team context, where you are the Leader and the Team are your ‘orchestra’ :-
You are the integrating member of your team, you are:-

Composer (of the music) or you may be handed a piece from above that needs some subtle rewriting 🙂
Conductor to ensure harmony and that all are heard at the right time and in proportion, e.g. your gentle (perhaps key) violin solo, as you conduct through the composition
Player, when it needs some piano (soft) you play that, needs more brass you play that, more percussion you play that, a little bit of oboe, etc. you have to play what may be missing in any given ‘piece of music’ to harmonise.

You are the Harmoniser.

What are the main instruments in your ‘orchestra’?
Which new instruments do you need to add?
How good a composer, conductor, player are you?
What do you need to practice more?

The Pause

The Pause, it does need practice, remember the brain is a meaning-seeking, pattern-making prediction organ. How it lays down patterns, is by repetition – learning. Once you have mastered the Pause, you create the state of being response-able and hence are better able to respond rather than react.

How many times today did you notice others Pausing and Choosing?
How many times today were you able to Pause and Choose your response?

Learn to Respond not React

Change is a given!
How do we learn to Respond to changes vs React to them?
People say things!
People write stuff!
How do we learn to Respond to what they say and write, vs React?
Treat Change differently – currently when it unsettles our certainty, we may sense / feel stress – then React
Treat what people say and write differently – currently when it unsettles us, we may sense / feel stress – then React
As this BLOG entry suggests we must learn to PAUSE, keep our Power and then RESPOND

‘Do you have the patience to wait
till your mud settles and the water is clear?
~Lao Tzu

“Much of our lives is spent in reaction to others and to events around us. The problem is that these reactions might not always be the best course of action, and as a result, they can make others unhappy, make things worse for us, make the situation worse.
Why would we want to make things worse?
The truth is, we often React without thinking. It feels like a gut reaction, often based on fear and insecurities, and it’s not always the most rational or appropriate way to act. It is a perfectly natural process of the brain, designed to keep us ‘safe’ and we can learn how to transcend it’s effect.
Responding, on the other hand, is taking the situation in, and deciding the best course of action based on values such as reason, compassion, cooperation, etc.
Let’s take a quick example:
1. React: Your child breaks something. You immediately react by getting angry, perhaps yelling, upsetting the child and yourself, worsening the relationship, not making anything better.
2. Respond: Your child breaks something. You notice your anger reaction, but pause, take a breath, and consider the situation. First response is to see if your child is OK — is she hurt, scared? Second, realise that the object that is broken, in the larger view, is not that important. Let the reaction go. One way to do this is; place your hands by your sides, pointing down, your feet firmly planted, breathe, then imagine the emotion triggered by what has just happened, flowing out through your fingertips and your feet, like electricity, out and into the ground / floor.
3. Now, help her clean up, make a game of it, show her that mistakes happen and that it’s not something to dwell on.
4. Calmly talk about how to avoid mistakes like that in the future, and give her a hug.
This choice presents itself to us all the time, whether it’s our mother nagging us, our co-worker being rude, our husband not being kind enough, and so on. There will always be external events that bother us, but if we learn to respond and not just react, we can make things better and not worse.

How to Learn to Respond
The main thing to learn is mindfulness… and the pause.
Mindfulness means watching ourselves when something happens that might normally upset us or trigger some kind of emotional reaction. Pay close attention to how our minds react then pause. We don’t have to act immediately, just because we have an internal reaction. We can pause, (not act) and breathe. We can watch this urge to act irrationally arise, then let it ebb away. Sometimes that takes a few seconds, other times it means we should remove ourselves politely from the situation and let ourselves cool down before we respond.

Pause.
Watch the reaction recede. Now consider what the most intelligent, compassionate response might be. What can we do that will help our relationship, teach, build a better team or partnership, make the situation better, calm everyone down, including ourselves?
At first, you might mess up. But in time, you’ll learn to watch this reaction, and you’ll get better at the pause. Don’t fret if you mess up — just resolve to be more mindful when it happens next time. Take note of what happened to trigger your reaction, and pay attention when something like that happens again.
Be mindful, pause, then consider a thoughtful, compassionate response.” ∞Leo Babuta

(see the model described below)

I, learned about this model from a Native American Indian Chief, I met in Switzerland, called White Eagle.
She talked about the fact that, in order to be responsible in your response, you must be response-able.
To be in that state, you must be mindful and pause.

Having paused, now use this model to build and deliver your response. This can be done, in the moment, or you may take quite a while to complete the process, depending on its complexity / severity, viz:-

1. Go to the North. There you really think about the problem, (not any solutions), the problem only. What is the problem? It is what it is. E.g.”He has just rolled his eyes and shouted at me!”
2. Now go to the East, here you are going to ‘fill your quiver with arrows’. What are the options I have in how to respond to this? Think of at least three options, ‘arrows’ to put in your quiver.
3. Take your ‘quiver and bow’ to the West now and choose one of the options / arrows. If the problem is complex, you may also here, articulate and perhaps record your reasoning for choosing this particular ‘arrow.’
4. Finally go to the South with your ‘bow and chosen arrow’ and fire it. Deliver the response. Pay attention to how that is done, language, tonality if spoken, body language etc. Learn from each time you do this, what works?

Another useful model, The Four A’s

Acknowledge: When you notice a feeling, acknowledge its presence. First simply name it. If you are not alone, it can also be good to verbalize what you are feeling so the other person knows what is going on with you. “I am feeling irritated right now,” is an example of acknowledging a feeling.

Allow both your feeling(s) and thoughts. If violent images or words come to your mind, you can observe them. Take a deep breath and realize that this is not what you really want to act out. Breathe out and release.… If scary images or thoughts come to your mind, do the same. Take a deep breath and ask yourself if your thoughts are realistic…. Do a reality check. Breathe out and release. Tell yourself you can deal with it.

Ask yourself what is the reason for your feeling. Where does it come from? What need or value do you hold that was not met? For example, did you need care, appreciation, or understanding? What would you like to hear in this situation? Investigate with curiosity and care. Try to have a compassionate dialogue with yourself.

Accept that you are not perfect and forgive yourself. Offer reassurance with a sentence such as “I am patient,” or, “I’m able to handle this.” If it helps, you can also bring to mind a loving being, family member, friend, or pet. Alternatively, focus on your body to release any tension through your breath or by relaxing your muscles and letting your thoughts go

There are times reacting is useful of course #smartlysteppingoutofthewayofanoncomingbus 🙂

How is reacting useful to you?
- In what circumstances?
  - Give some examples
How is responding useful to you?
- In what circumstances?
  - Give some examples