How did You become You?

Beliefs & Evidence

An interesting thought, once you form a belief about something, you will always find evidence to back it up, otherwise it would be stupid to be holding the belief. (A caveat here is the world of science, where discipline and conditioning says, that you start with the evidence and then work from that to build support for a hypothesis).

For most of us though, we develop ways of looking at evidence so that our belief is preserved, we filter out what does not fit and filter in, if you like, more of what supports the belief (it is not seeing is believing, it is believing is seeing!) Remember my definition of a belief, as a lens through which we perceive reality 🙂

This insight is in my view, fundamental to becoming the real you. Beliefs that we currently hold about ourselves, will need to change, on the journey to becoming the real you. 🙂

Let me give an example that may strike a chord. In school, in front of the class, the teacher says “you’re hopeless at maths, you’ll never be able to get this, will you?” Your reaction may be a polar response of, I’ll show her and you set your intent to become brilliant at maths actually, or you say to yourself, “she’s right I am useless” and then you begin gathering the evidence to prove it. Each time you get a wrong answer or low mark in an exam it’s just proving to you that you are right in your belief that you are rubbish at maths. You never really ‘see’ the fact that some of what you are doing is good!

Whether you believe you can or you can’t do something, you are right! Because, as I have said in a previous post, the biggest belief we all have is I am right! 🙂

What is the belief about yourself, that holds you back the most?

When did you ‘learn’ it?

How old were you?

What if you learned a belief now that really helped you ?

What would that be?

The Second Presupposition

The second presupposition
The presupposition is that, “We each map the world according to our beliefs and the map is not the territory”, this is also fundamental when thinking about how did you become you

We each have a map and those maps are as different on the inside as we are different on the outside (how we look), because of the different things we have experienced or learned in life. You cannot assume for instance that just because you know something, or think another will do something specific in a particular situation, that they know it too, or they will do as you expect.
o When I get stuck, in my mind, with something i.e. I keep ending up in the same thought pattern, it is as if I’ve run out of map symbols or indication of a road to take me forward.
o Someone else though, with different experience and learning can share a possible way to handle the situation, from their map and thus my map is enhanced.
It is the maps, I believe that really differentiate us as people. For instance most self-made millionaires, (I’m not one yet) do not use the word failure or believe they fail at anything, instead their map may work as follows:-

o Do something (e.g. invest in a new area of business)
o Look at the results (get feedback)
o Make decisions about what to do next based on experience
o Act on those decisions
o Loop back to second bullet
– If the results are not as you want them, a decision you might make is to get out of this business

• You look on this as a sensible decision based on the evidence you found at this time
• Ask what have I learned from this?
• Move on to something new with this experience under your belt now
• You have not failed, just did stuff that eventually did not work out and learned from it.

We learn just as much, in my opinion, probably more, from the things that do not work in life as we do from the things that do.
If you look at the example above, as probably most of us would when the results are not as we desire, then you would be using the words fail, failure, no good, bad, then making the failure mean you are a failure and no good at business, hence forming a belief or several beliefs about yourself.

How do you think about the above?

Do you Fail or Learn?

Can you change your beliefs about this?

The Journey

It is said we need three things in life
• A purpose
• A place
• A time
The issue is we need all of them together and as I write this BLOG, I believe I have the three:-)
I have a vision for the world that everyone on the planet is able to find their purpose and be in a position to carry it out in the right place at the right time. I also believe that when this happens we will have created ‘Heaven on earth’.

We are all on a journey called life. For most of us the first significant event on the journey, was our birth and the last will be our death (it is said the two best days of your life? Day you were born, day you find out why) Right now in this moment, as you read these words, you are somewhere on that journey. No matter where you are, this BLOG is being written to help you become more aware of the journey, yourself and what you can do to help yourself.

Interestingly some aspects of the journey will be similar to the journey of others and some will be very different. What I aim to do In this BLOG is give you some insights and knowledge to help you understand a little about yourself and others in the world, in a straightforward pragmatic way, so that your journey is even more fulfilled.

There are a couple of pre-suppositions I’d like to introduce straight away viz:-
– We are meaning seeking, pattern making beings
– The brain is a pattern-making organ with an innate desire to create novel connections (David Rock & Jeffrey Schwarz)
– We each map the world according to our beliefs and the map is not the territory

These two statements form a workable framework for change within us if we desire to make it.

The first presupposition
“We are meaning seeking, pattern making beings”
This is saying that we seek meaning in almost everything we encounter, whatever comes across our path as a child, a youth and an adult, we ascribe meaning to it. For example someone you care for (or not) does not return a call you made to them. You may create one or several of these meanings or another one of course
• It doesn’t matter
• It doesn’t mean anything at all
• They must be very busy
• They don’t like me any more
• I’m not worthy of a reply
• I’ve really upset them
• That’s their bad luck
• Who cares
• Etc.
The meaning we ascribe probably has many dependencies, not the least of which is what has happened in the past about non- returned phone calls, what experience we have locked in our brains about non returned phone calls! I will come back to this point. The other interesting thing is, we act as if what we just made up is true.

On Patterns

We make and lay down patterns of behaviour and thinking, for example, cleaning our teeth, crossing the road, waking up in the morning, driving a car, tying our shoelaces, shaking hands, eating with knives and forks, solving puzzles, showering, handling rejection, handling criticism, telling ourselves we are good / no good, remembering names with faces, sawing a piece of wood, riding a bicycle, swimming, etc. A lot of our waking life is taken up following patterns that we have learned; many of them are in fact followed below the level of consciousness, such that we are not even aware of following them. If you think about it, we would be pretty exhausted if we had to pay conscious attention to these things each time they came up.

This is both a blessing and perhaps holds us back. I for instance found that part of my strategy for handling criticism was in the main laid down probably before the age of five. Let me give you an actual example from my life. ‘One day a lady manager called to let me know, that I had not done as she had asked in preparing a set of reports. This fact was absolutely true; however my reaction to the criticism was not what I expected. I felt very emotional, on the verge of tears and was finding it difficult to speak. I just wanted to curl up and for the call to be over. That evening I asked my beloved, Gill, (also a coach) to help me understand what was going on. What came out was that the tonality used by the Manager reminded me of the tonality used by my primary school mistress as she tried very hard to teach me how to tie my shoe laces properly. I was about four and a half years old and could not follow what she was showing me. What I discovered in rethinking about this episode was, I am left- handed, she was teaching me in a right- handed way and getting exasperated, hence her tonality. I, on the other hand was just frightened and associated her tonality and my fear. Thus when I heard the tonality in the present with my manager, it also recovered the feeling of fear and hence my reaction. What I was able to do with this insight was disconnect from the emotion and deal with my manager as an adult.

Reacting to what is happening now 80 / 20 rule
The above story highlights the insight that our reaction to what is happening in the present moment, is usually based 20% on the present and 80% on what we recall, usually subconsciously, from the past (#rubberbanding). Actually we are following a pattern as I previously mentioned, the pattern is either useful to us or not. If it is not useful as in my example above then we can choose to change it. This will be covered Later in the BLOG under the broad heading ‘Relationship with self’

My wife Gill said she couldn’t like me!

Trouble at BLOG, Gill tried to like one of my posts 🙂 then found she had to login to WordPress (Blog editor) to do that ..messy. Or she could choose to log in to her Google gmail account and this enabled her to like me 🙂 🙂

Tricky this BLOG stuff .. not sure if another prerequisite to liking is maybe you need to sign up to get updated by email when a new BLOG (eh this one) gets posted.

I think you need to sign up to leave a comment…

A BLOGGING we will go, a BLOGGING we will go, hey ho ma daddy oh, a BLOGGING we will go 🙂

This BLOG User Guide

As you read the BLOG, what I’d ask is for your patience and tolerance. Give the ideas and insights some time to sink in. Test them and work with them. Some of the concepts are easy to get, difficult to put into practice.

Think about the fact that, as described in the Knowledge Model, there is:-
• stuff you know you know about KK
• stuff you know you don’t know (for me, for example, I know I don’t know how to speak Japanese) KDK
• stuff you don’t know you know DKK
• and finally, the tricky one, stuff you don’t know you don’t know DKDK
As you go through you’ll probably hit all four, I’m sure some areas will spark your interest more than others. If that is so then you can do further research. The internet via Google or some other search engine will get you started.

Other Resources
I think the main areas I have used in my journey are:-
• Self help / personal growth
• Leadership
• Spiritual / personal growth
• Neuro Linguistic Programing (NLP)
• Neuroscience
• Relationship building and management

What I would also say, looking back on what I have read on my journey, is that I would use this BLOG as a base or foundation, since it is not tied to a particular arena e.g. NLP, spiritual awakening etc it in fact will highlight where you may want more information.. Some of the books that have influenced me are :-

• Living Magically —————————————————–Gill Edwards
o Ego deconstruct and linking psychology to spirituality
• End the Struggle & dance with life———————————-Susan Jeffers
o “The road is smooth, why do you throw rocks before you?”
• How to get what you want & want what you get———————-John Gray
o “God will not do for you what you can do for yourself”
• Your best year yet—————————————————Jinny Ditzler
o How to be in control of the next year of your life and not a victim
• The power is within you———————————————Louise L Hay
o Love yourself
• The secret of creating your future————————-———-Tad James
o Seven frames for creating the future
• Difficult conversations———————————————-Anne Dickson
o Effective communication
• Changing belief systems with NLP————————-———-Robert Dilts
o Methods for belief change that work
• I’m OK You’re OK——————————————-———-Thomas A Harris
o OK Corral, scripts, games people play, Parent -Adult- Child
• Leadership and Self Deception————————————-Arbinger Institute
o In the Box, collusion
• Everything Belongs————————————————-Richard Rohr
o Uncovering spirituality
• Awareness ———————————————————Anthony De Mello
o Wake up, you’re sleeping through life!
• Emotional intelligence———————————————Daniel Goleman
o Becoming self aware
• The seat of the soul————————————————Gary Zukav
o Aligning Soul and personality
• The Power of Now ————————————————-Eckhart Tolle
o Becoming spiritually aware
• A New Earth ——————————————————-Eckhart Tolle
o More spiritually aware
• Your Brain at Work ————————————————-David Rock
o About the brain and how it works
• Coaching with the Brain in Mind ————————————David Rock
o Using knowledge of how the brain works in Coaching

Some other resources

Quiet Leadership————————————-David Rock
Introducing NLP ——————————-John Seymour et al
Chimp Paradox————————————-Steve Peters
I (Heart) me ————————————-David Hamilton
Thinking fast Thinking slow———————–Daniel Kahneman
Five Dysfunctions of a Team————————Patrick Lencioni
The Road less travelled ——————————M Scott Peck
Neuroscience of Leadership————————-Tara Swart et al
Type talk at work (Myers Briggs)———————–Otto Kreuger
Women’s Bodies Women’s Wisdom—————Dr Christian Nordrop Co-Active coaching——————-Whitworth Kimsey-House et al Coaching for performance———-——————–John Whitmore

Approach this BLOG with your mind operating in the same way a parachute does i.e. when it is open! Or maybe like the red kite, in a curious way, to see if this part of the book is ‘food’ for you.

Remember also, as King Solomon said, “There is nothing new under the sun.”