Learn to Respond not React

Change is a given!
How do we learn to Respond to changes vs React to them?
People say things!
People write stuff!
How do we learn to Respond to what they say and write, vs React?
Treat Change differently – currently  when it unsettles our certainty, we may sense / feel stress – then React
Treat what people say and write differently – currently when it unsettles us, we may sense / feel stress – then React
As this BLOG entry suggests we must learn to PAUSE, keep our Power and then RESPOND

 

‘Do you have the patience to wait
till your mud settles and the water is clear?
~Lao Tzu

“Much of our lives is spent in reaction to others and to events around us. The problem is that these reactions might not always be the best course of action, and as a result, they can make others unhappy, make things worse for us, make the situation worse.
Why would we want to make things worse?
The truth is, we often React without thinking. It feels like a gut reaction, often based on fear and insecurities, and it’s not always the most rational or appropriate way to act. It is a perfectly natural process of the brain, designed to keep us ‘safe’ and we can learn how to transcend it’s effect.
Responding, on the other hand, is taking the situation in, and deciding the best course of action based on values such as reason, compassion, cooperation, etc.
Let’s take a quick example:
1. React: Your child breaks something. You immediately react by getting angry, perhaps yelling, upsetting the child and yourself, worsening the relationship, not making anything better.
2. Respond: Your child breaks something. You notice your anger reaction, but pause, take a breath, and consider the situation. First response is to see if your child is OK — is she hurt, scared? Second, realise that the object that is broken, in the larger view, is not that important. Let the reaction go. One way to do this is; place your hands by your sides, pointing down, your feet firmly planted, breathe, then imagine the emotion triggered by what has just happened, flowing out through your fingertips and your feet, like electricity, out and into the ground / floor.
3. Now, help her clean up, make a game of it, show her that mistakes happen and that it’s not something to dwell on.
4. Calmly talk about how to avoid mistakes like that in the future, and give her a hug.
This choice presents itself to us all the time, whether it’s our mother nagging us, our co-worker being rude, our husband not being kind enough, and so on. There will always be external events that bother us, but if we learn to respond and not just react, we can make things better and not worse.

How to Learn to Respond
The main thing to learn is mindfulness… and the pause.
Mindfulness means watching ourselves when something happens that might normally upset us or trigger some kind of emotional reaction. Pay close attention to how our minds react then pause. We don’t have to act immediately, just because we have an internal reaction. We can pause, (not act) and breathe. We can watch this urge to act irrationally arise, then let it ebb away. Sometimes that takes a few seconds, other times it means we should remove ourselves politely from the situation and let ourselves cool down before we respond.

Pause.
Watch the reaction recede.  Now consider what the most intelligent, compassionate response might be. What can we do that will help our relationship, teach, build a better team or partnership, make the situation better, calm everyone down, including ourselves?
At first, you might mess up. But in time, you’ll learn to watch this reaction, and you’ll get better at the pause. Don’t fret if you mess up — just resolve to be more mindful when it happens next time. Take note of what happened to trigger your reaction, and pay attention when something like that happens again.
Be mindful, pause, then consider a thoughtful, compassionate response.” ∞Leo Babuta

(see the model described below)

I, learned about this model from a Native American Indian Chief, I met in Switzerland, called White Eagle.
She talked about the fact that, in order to be responsible in your response, you must be response-able.
To be in that state, you must be mindful and pause.

Having paused, now use this model to build and deliver your response. This can be done, in the moment, or you may take quite a while to complete the process, depending on its complexity / severity, viz:-

1. Go to the North. There you really think about the problem, (not any solutions), the problem only. What is the problem? It is what it is. E.g.”He has just rolled his eyes and shouted at me!”
2. Now go to the East, here you are going to ‘fill your quiver with arrows’. What are the options I have in how to respond to this? Think of at least three options, ‘arrows’ to put in your quiver.
3. Take your ‘quiver and bow’ to the West now and choose one of the options / arrows. If the problem is complex, you may also here, articulate and perhaps record your reasoning for choosing this particular ‘arrow.’
4. Finally go to the South with your ‘bow and chosen arrow’ and fire it. Deliver the response. Pay attention to how that is done, language, tonality if spoken, body language etc. Learn from each time you do this, what works?

Another useful model, The Four A’s

Acknowledge: When you notice a feeling, acknowledge its presence. First simply name it. If you are not alone, it can also be good to verbalize what you are feeling so the other person knows what is going on with you. “I am feeling irritated right now,” is an example of acknowledging a feeling.

Allow both your feeling(s) and thoughts. If violent images or words come to your mind, you can observe them. Take a deep breath and realize that this is not what you really want to act out. Breathe out and release.… If scary images or thoughts come to your mind, do the same. Take a deep breath and ask yourself if your thoughts are realistic…. Do a reality check. Breathe out and release. Tell yourself you can deal with it.

Ask yourself what is the reason for your feeling. Where does it come from? What need or value do you hold that was not met? For example, did you need care, appreciation, or understanding? What would you like to hear in this situation? Investigate with curiosity and care. Try to have a compassionate dialogue with yourself.

Accept that you are not perfect and forgive yourself. Offer reassurance with a sentence such as “I am patient,” or, “I’m able to handle this.” If it helps, you can also bring to mind a loving being, family member, friend, or pet. Alternatively, focus on your body to release any tension through your breath or by relaxing your muscles and letting your thoughts go

See also How do you know you are dreaming ?

There are times reacting is useful of course #smartlysteppingoutofthewayofanoncomingbus 🙂

• How is reacting useful to you?
  • In what circumstances?
    • Give some examples
• How is responding useful to you?
  • In what circumstances?
    • Give some examples